I began blogging years ago to track and outwardly process my life with an auto-immune disease, CREST Syndrome aka a form of Scleroderma. I began having symptoms of this when I was 14 years old, so that was back in 2000. I went to lots of doctor appointments, had tons of tests done, saw a Rheumatologist who believed it was CREST Syndrome. Then as years passed on I learned to live with it and the emotional aspect of this potentially overwhelming health problem as well. Years passed and I moved to Iowa City from the Quad City area and I saw another Rheumatologist to whom I expressed that I don’t seem like the people who I see online who have Scleroderma (part of CREST Syndrome) because they seem way worse off than me, like unable to use their hands and having a lot of skin issues and eventually being physically unable to eat. This autoimmune disease essentially attacks one organ system of the body and moves onto the next until you ultimately die from it. (In some people it progresses really slowly so I learned to not worry about it too much). This Rheumatologist said, yes but yours is still in the beginning stages of it, and is just staying that way for a long time. Now I have moved to Colorado and just saw a new Rheumatologist after having blood work done and an ultrasound on my hand (I have constant swelling in a few parts of my body) and they didn’t find anything that would indicate an autoimmune disease. He also has no idea why I have swelling, and have had it constantly since I was 14 years old. 

Being told I had this potentially terrible disease 21 years ago, caused me to drastically change my life. I was determined to cure it (even though doctors said there is no cure). I became a bit of a health freak. This also made it so I didn’t go to parties or stay up very late or do drugs or drink (I eventually began drinking because I learned that it isn’t healthy to not have fun [now I don’t drink but I have other ways of finding fun]). I chose a career path based on this, I got a BA in Health Science with an emphasis in Health Coaching. I had countless times of being sad that I couldn’t enjoy the foods and activities that normal people at my age could. I really felt like I was missing out. But I knew that I had a bigger reason and that someday my hard work would pay off. So now I feel slightly lost, but also I can’t help but wonder if I DID cure my autoimmune disease?! I mean….I had it, I became really focused on healing and taking care of myself, and now I don’t have it. The doctors won’t say for sure and I do not have contact with that first Rheumatologist I saw or even the one in Iowa City as she has retired. 

Having this health problem became part of my identity, and it was part of my mission in life to cure it and to help others do the same. And now that I don’t have it, it feels weird! OF COURSE it’s really really really good. But I am still wrapping my brain around this new information that I am ….. healthy? Whoa. It’s a lot to process when I believed I wasn’t for 21 years. Like, what would I have done if these health issues never came up? What would I have done career-wise? Because the health and wellness route really hasn’t been working out for me. I’ve been a health coach and had other jobs in the healthcare field but that’s not what I’m doing now and I’m questioning if I even want to be a health coach again? I am an artist and my creativity is blossoming, well, sometimes. Maybe I was meant to be a graphic or interior designer, or an engineer, or a psychologist… I still have many interests like these and I guess it’s never too late to check them out (even if I feel like it’s too late).  

So this leads to me needing to decide what my purpose of this blog is. I blogged a lot on Tumblr years ago and the purpose was to track my progress with getting healthy. I wanted people to see my journey and it helped me to type it out. I switched that blog to this one and now my “why” is much different. I still want to be healthy and am always improving myself but it feels different now. I always have been interested in psychological wellness and relationship dynamics so maybe I will lean in that direction.  

Ideas are welcome! Thanks for reading and being a part of my journey 🙂