Saturday

Man, I slept so well last night. I took a Reyvow, which isn’t exactly why I slept so well, but it does make my mind and mood very clear the next morning. Now later in the morning at 10:25 am, I feel groggy and tempted to stay home all day. But I am not going to, I am going to ward off falling into a shame spiral at all costs 😅

I am meeting with someone to discuss teaching an art class at the coffee shop/art space they own. I had been there before and they allowed dogs so I planned on bringing Luna but they said since they have food they don’t allow dogs (it turns out it was a different creative coffee shop). So that makes my day slightly more complicated because I need to get Luna some fun and exercise. I am also going to play Ping Pong later tonight so she’ll be alone for a while then too. I rarely leave her alone at night and I’ve noticed she gets anxious when I am gone and when it’s dark out. She’s a sensitive little baby 😆

I don’t want to do these things today. At. All. But I shall, cuz I have goals…

Tuesday

I am barely going to work this week, that’s just how the cookie crumbles some weeks when you’re self employed. I always have plenty of my own stuff and businesses to work on but the lack of structure is hard. Especially when I am in a particularly depressed time…like currently. I am all up in my feels right now. I’m reminding myself to just keep moving. Go through the motions of any activity. I can get completely lost in my own head and misery at times so, I really need to stay engaged. I am for sure going to the gym today, that one is non-negotiable.

Teaching Art

One thing I’m excited for is I am going to start teaching painting classes. The meeting on Saturday went really well. The space was better than I expected and the owner seems like she’ll be wonderful to work with. I am wanting to like, double, triple, quadruple my income asap and this seems pretty doable. Maybe just doubling it, but eventually it’ll triple, quadruple etc…I have contacted a few other venues for teaching and it turns out that Hobby Lobby no longer lets people teach classes in their stores. I was a little bummed because they didn’t charge the teachers anything to use their space. But honestly, the lighting in Hobby Lobby is the least inspiring lighting ever so, I’m not too bummed.

Mood and Food

Since my mood has been so low, I haven’t been eating the healthiest. It’s harder to make healthy choices when life seems terrible and sad. I am being a tad over dramatic with how I’m feeling but sometimes you can’t control that kind of thing. It feels like it’s a PMS thing but my cycle is so out of whack this year that I have no clue when PMS time is currently. Going to my regular doctor on Thursday of this week so maybe we’ll figure some of this stuff out.

“Too Much” Time

I don’t think I’ve written about having ADHD, but surprise… I do. My fellow neurodivergent folks might understand the complicated relationship I have in regards to structure. I run away from being too structured and cannot stand it when someone else determines my schedule. At the same time I crave routine, structure, and habits. It seems like I accomplish less when I have a ton of time to do it 🙄.

Knowing I’d have a lot of time off this week I had big plans (still do) of what I will accomplish. But it’s been a little bit of accomplishing things and a lot of existential dread. Times when I am not busy enough, it’s like I turn into mush and feel lazy and therefore accomplish less because I feel bad about myself. Is this the definition of a shame spiral??

Shame Spiral Explained

Here’s what google says about that:

Initial shame – A deep sense of shame arises from feeling responsible for something or having failed. Intensification – The initial shame intensifies over time, leading to negative self-perception and self-judgment. Negative self-talk – Constant dwelling on perceived mistakes and shortcomings fuels the shame spiral with self-criticism and negative self-talk. One of the best ways to get out of a shame spiral is to talk about it! Here I am talking about it, so that’s a start right 😉

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