A Little Venty

Tuesday May 6th

I don’t know what the deal is exactly but I am feeling really down. I’m sure it has at least something to do with various aspects of my life such as a new job that I might get, but the hiring person is torn between me and someone else. It is taking them a long time to decide and I caught myself wondering like, if she doesn’t pick me then maybe my sense of self worth may be affected. Even though logically, I know that’s ridiculous. I have been wishy washy about this job to begin with and I didn’t even apply for it, they found me, which is kind of cool.

A Job Doesn’t Determine Your Worth (what a concept)

I realized that first of all, if a job picks or doesn’t pick me has less to do with me and more to do with the person doing the hiring. They don’t have a crystal ball they can peer into to determine someone’s worth as a person or for a job. Secondly, if it’s that hard of a choice then maybe I don’t want it. Rather than me feeling like my “fate” is in the hands of someone else, how about I do the choosing. Maybe the feeling I have while waiting and all the hoops I’ve jumped through for this role specifically, maybe it’s not working out for me. Like, I don’t like the way this is feeling already and the job hasn’t even started.

Just some thoughts, but I will still take the job assuming our next meeting goes well. I have always hated the idea of proving myself but with job interviews that’s kind of what you’re there to do. But I think there are different types of energy to inhabit around that. Not doing it out of a place of desperation and validation seeking, but more from a place of, ‘hey, here is what I bring to the table and this could work out well for us both”. I started waking up earlier to prepare for possibly getting it. It’ll be a much earlier start than what I am used to and I am just about brain dead this evening.

Cancellation and Booking Policies

I just got a booking request from someone I’ve worked for numerous times and even though I told them at least 5 times that I have a 2 hour minimum requirement, they always try to book me for less. AND they want to pay me less than what my rate has been the entire time… It’s wildly absurd! People are totally nuts sometimes. These people specifically have been giving me problems from the very beginning. Sometimes I wonder if I have stepped into the twilight zone or something. I created a booking and cancellation policy specifically for these clients, they cancelled more often than they didn’t cancel. Basically putting them in my calendar was causing me to lose money. They signed my rather strict policy which includes a deposit to even get a spot on my calendar.

That reminds me that they still owe me $5. I was going to let it slide because big woop, $5 but since they tried to book me for less than my hourly rate I will go ahead and remind them they owe $5 and that I will not be working for less than our agreed upon rate. I will probably always have work to do in regards to setting healthy boundaries but hey, I’m making progress.

Painting Classes

Plus I am teaching another painting class this weekend that I wasn’t particularly prepared for mostly because I wasn’t sure if anyone had signed up. The weekend after that I am doing an art market and have a ton to prepare for. I’m also planning a trip to visit family and friends and good Lord do I hate public transportation. I would much rather drive a full day than fly, even though it takes a lot longer I just love driving. I love being able to stop whenever I want, control the temperature, and everything else basically.

So, I guess all of these things (plus multiple dark rainy days) are causing my low mood… Work today was pretty stressful as it usually is.

Luna’s foot is still bothering her. It got better for a few days but it’s raining again and I think that is triggering her paws to be itchy/painful. I love the rain but this day is so dreary it’s probably contributing to feeling down.

Friday

Happy Friday! This week has been busy and I’ve been going on less sleep than usual but I’ve been hella productive. Nothing like a little stress and getting outside of my comfort zone to kick my butt into gear. I had a call with the potential new client and it was not what I expected. It was an extremely short phone call. It could mean they’re solid on their decision (me) or they gave up on me and therefore didn’t have questions. Haha as I am typing it out that seems silly and unlikely.

It turns out the art class is full on with multiple people signed up. So here we go into the weekend full steam ahead!