At some point within the last 5 days, music was no longer exciting. At first I thought it was the sound quality, so I messed with that as much as possible and it didn’t help. I now occasionally feel excited by music but significantly less than the past few weeks. I wonder if it’s because I have been listening to the same handful of songs/bands at every chance I get every single day. Or it could be that my brain chemistry has normalized since lowering the Amitriptyline and I’m back to feeling nothing again. 😐

Mercury in Retrograde

I’ve felt kind of tired lately but it’s sort of a good, calm tired. I wonder if it’s because I know Mercury is in retrograde and that can be a very intense, life-rips-open-at-the-seams kind of time. I might be subconsciously “hunkering down”, for the impending storm. The “storm” started hitting me yesterday. This new client is incredibly rude to me.

This began on day one of working for her. I’ve tried to communicate, block it out, I’ve done all the mental gymnastics I can do to be able to handle it. I felt a little better about things last week and the week prior. I do really enjoy that I am super busy compared to usual, I enjoy a good challenge, the work in and of itself is its own challenge. The work alone was NOT what I was expecting. The tasks are similar to what I normally do but with a wild amount of increased responsibility in every possible direction. This too I see as a challenge that I am willing to keep working at. I am all about improving myself and this is for sure one way to do it.

It’s just too unhealthy. I’m not going to get too detailed on this public platform (yet) but… money and being busy is nice but there’s only so much shit I can take. I’ve been my own boss for 7 years and I am used to acting like my own boss. This client is not technically my boss but she micromanages and questions the most miniscule insignificant things at every single chance she gets. I have been going back and forth in my head wondering if I should quit or stick it out since day 1. That has been its own stressor, the indecision.

After the shift yesterday, my ambivalence teetered towards quitting. It’s sort of like, my logical brain stepped aside and an inner voice took over and said, yeah…nah. This isn’t acceptable. Brain, you can do all the thinking, calculating, weighing pros and cons, and compartmentalizing you want, but this is too much. I cannot fathom looking down on someone and treating another human being so disrespectfully. Especially when they are helping you. She’s not calling me names or verbally assaulting me but whatever she is doing is right below that threshold. The type of toxicity that is a little hard to put into words (I mean…not that hard, any time I’ve told people what she says to me they cannot believe it). Just the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched.

Shit I probably shouldn’t post that but…I highly doubt anyone related to this job will ever see this. Right? Well, I do have multiple clients so, no one will know who I’m referring to. Right?

Back Pain

On a lighter note (lol) my back pain started getting better after some car camping I did almost 2 months ago. The past 3-4 weeks I’ve been doing Pilates and that for sure helps. But as of about 2 weeks ago my back and hip was killing me again. I bought a firm exercise pad to sleep on. I watched this YouTube video explaining that sleeping on firm surfaces can essentially fix back pain and help increase mobility as we age.

Since I did that road trip and assumed my back would be much worse and in fact it was the opposite, I figured there might be something to that. I’ve tried a couple different mats on top of my mattress but I got a firmer one 2 days ago and it seems to be helping so far! It is pretty early on in this experiment so I will continue to report what I find!